My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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