She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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