did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
