Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
