so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
