after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
