Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
