It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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