i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
