return my video game
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
