I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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