My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
