WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
