Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
