Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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