I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
