True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
