I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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