This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
