Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
