and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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