Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
