Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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