i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
