hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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