is your mom at the bar?
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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