Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
