she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
