I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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