My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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