Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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