I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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