someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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