Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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