I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think my moral compass just broke
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
