that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is my gift to your gina
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
