I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
