I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
