member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
