Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
