Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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