theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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