I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
