my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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