I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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