Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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