I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
