We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
What a dumb baby whore.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
