I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
