Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
